Saturday, January 12, 2013

Nicolas Cage: I don't have a spending problem

Nicolas Cage, the Oscar-winning actor and member of the famous Coppola family, has stated that he needs increased revenues to deal with his financial problems, which have included bankruptcy and home foreclosures. “I don’t have a spending problem; the studios just need to pay me my fair share, in order to make sure the bills are paid ” he said yesterday when asked about purchases including Action Comics, a German castle, and homes in Bel Air, Malibu, the Bahamas, New Orleans, and 12 other locations, plus nine Rolls Royces. Cage earned an estimated $40 million in the year 2009.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Every straight male on Earth forced to apologize

In light of the recent shocking Brent Musberger scandal, in which the sportscaster insulted Miss Alabama Katherine Webb by calling her a “beautful woman,” every straight male on planet Earth has issued an apology for past incidents of admiring female beauty. The incident, described by Michigan State professor Sue Carter as a “major personal violation,” is considered by many as proof of the war on women, as Musberger did not pair his comments with support for the political viewpoints of Nancy Pelosi, Barbara Boxer and Jane Fonda.

John Joeschmo, an accountant living in Webster Groves, MO, explained, “For years, I thought I was being kind or honest when I commented on a woman’s good looks, but now I realize that I’m just another chauvinistic, hetero piece of scum.” In a twist, the NY Times editorial board, the offical arbiters of all standards of right and wrong, has declared that the guidelines do not apply to similar comments made by lesbians. In addition, gossip columnist Perez Hilton declared, “I’m so glad I attacked former Miss California Carrie Prejean a few years ago; after all, if I had told her how great her hair looked, I’d be in real trouble now.”

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Obama awarded Nobel Prize for Literature

The Nobel Committee has honored President Barack Obama with the highest prize for literature for his yet-to-be-published semi-autobiographical book. Determined to use the word "I" as much as possible, Obama has written a steamy novel based loosely on his 2008 campaign and the sexual adventures he enjoyed while travelling across the country. Titled “Fifty-Seven States of Grey,” the book will be available for download at 

Relativism Today magazine to cease publication

The New York-based publishers of Relativism Today have announced that they will cease production of the magazine “sometime soon.” Editors had cited an inability to create content that meets the unexacting and fluctuating demands of their targeted audience, who reject absolutist “best of” lists and expert advice. “We found it hard to write compelling editorials,” said editor Ned Offlak,”To be consistent with the theme, we had to end every piece with the phrase ‘But that’s just my opinion.’ It got old pretty quickly.” 

Autopen runs out of ink; U.S. economy collapses

Halfway through the signing of the long-delayed fiscal cliff deal, the White House autopen ran out of ink, leaving the deal in limbo and provoking the total collapse of the U.S. economy. Under federal law, “Barac” is not acceptable as the President’s signature and the fiscal cliff deal could not be enacted. After seeing the ensuing chaos on the nightly news from his Hawaii vacation home, President Obama announced that he would not return to Washington DC “for a long, long time.”

Obama tries to distance himself from Biden

After the latest series of gaffes from Joe Biden, where the VP greeted Sen. Tim Scott with a bizarre accent and told another guest “Spread your legs,” President Obama is declaring that he doesn’t know Biden very well, and it would be unfair to imply guilt by association. Obama described the VP as just “a guy who lives in my neighborhood” whom he has met a few times. While stunned by the news, Biden still supports his boss, whom he described as still “articulate and bright and clean” after all these years.  

Christie inspires new HBO series

HBO has announced plans for a new series drawn from recent developments in the life and career of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. “Sex and Jersey City” will focus on the rotund  politician’s plans to trade sexual favors for increased federal funding for the Garden State. It is rumored that former Gov. Jim McGreevey will have a role on the show as well.